Tuesday, 05 September 2017 17:41

I’m Living Coloured: An open letter to Gham... Tales from chising 'n cryp Featured

Written by Shana Fife
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With unbridled irreverence, Shana tackles the issues many of us on the Cape Flats and indeed in Coloured areas across the country almost constantly face albeit to varying degrees.
She spares no holy cows, pulls no punches and it's a casse of either you get it, or you don't.


Her entertaining writing style and her wickedly clever sense of humour that breaks down the harsh realities of life is what for a long time has kept us following her blog "Just a Hoe with Babies" which has now evolved... "Into a Housewife".
Yes, that's what it's called... "Into a housewife"
By the way... If you are sensitive to the use of foul language... Die is waa' djy byrrie texi ytklim... want Shana vloek 'n helse hou...


I’m Living Coloured: An open letter to Gham... Tales from chising n cryp.
by Shana Fife

 

Holy sh!t, according to the dictionary and contrary to popular belief…. We aren’t neutral after all.

…….

Coloured people. Please calm down.

To answer your questions:

No, I don’t want you to kick me in my pøæs.

No I am not Jus.

Yes. My mommy does know that I am here.

 …

 

You See Tea Confession: I haven’t been missing because of how busy I am. But I admit I disappeared in the last few weeks, like a white teenager in Delft, because I felt the need to observe something deeper, and report back to you about things other than my vagina’s escapades.

 

Even though, my Exes never Ca_paid maintenance, (Method: Not even once) and it makes for a titillater of a tail, I am concerned that my following has started to feed my ego, instead of the original plan of me feeding my following… Ergo, I will discuss the latest bane of my existence… Coloured people.

 

We can discuss my Titti, later.

 

Shockingly, I have to admit something to everyone.

I am a coloured.

Calm down. We are allowed to admit this now, guys. We’re free.

I am a Coloured.

 


A proud one, albeit a newly found sense of identity. I have actually spent the largest percentage of my adult life trying to hide my very distinct lack of Twang, and my insatiable craving for King Pie. (Fuck You, AKA. There are no Lobsters in Portlands… but you know that, don’t you? Your sense of superiority is as inaccurate as your girlfriend’s autobiography. I would much rather listen to Youngsta rap about the importance of takkies, than lose my Composure over a poor man’s JayZ.)

 

/Flashback/

“Awe mammi girl sit net SOE bietjie vorenttoe daars nog plek vir drie mense daar agter.”

I stare at the gaadjie, as three people proceed to sit on my lap, seemingly unaware of our impromptu version of hoopie-lê.

 

As the rest of the 43 seats were filled in the quantum… I heard lingo that I recognised from ‘Die Aantwoord’s’ video about brah Anees committing anal rape…

“Het jy nie a twinnagsentie?”

This cretin motions to me with his sunrise-tattoed loafing-hand, and I couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of a Six-Bop asking me for a 2 Bop.

 

“Soe wiesie girl. Wanni anties wiet mos os gooi soema hier deur busy corner af vir dieprfft plkksvdbsjj nbhbjnl;nmmdsur8yuih Noba jnogyubjl vir die lighties te jiggyjella”

“Sorry? No.. No I don’t wanna get jiggy with anyone’s lighties. That’s illegal….. And weird.”

“I’m also not Jazzy, Jeff… Get it? Coz… Okay”.

 


Continue Reading the Original Article on Shana's Blogsite "Into a Housewife"

 

P.S.
If you get lost in some of the double entendres or need help with the Cape Flats slang.... Please phone up a regte Kaapenaar

You can follow Shana's Facebook Page - Just a Hoe With Babies

Shana is also spearheading a new TV initiative called I'm Living Coloured which will have input from various entities including Bruinou.com.
Click here to Follow the I'm Living Coloured Facebook Page