Tuesday, 17 December 2019 17:50

That Plant In The Garden of Angles Where Angels Fear to Tread Featured

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I'm so excited! We're going to see Charlize's Angles tomorrow!
It's going to be shown in the Botanical Gardens. Apparently you get Angles in Botany too. It's called an Axil.
Something to do with the angle at which a new branch grows from another branch...
Anyways... That probably doesn't even fit into any of this...

What I'm really excited about is that I will finally get to see the mystical Hypotenuse Plant growing in its natural state.

Unlike what most people believe, it is not native to Mitchell's Plain, apparently because it is not suited to the undulating sand dunes on which the town originally was built. Though it can be found in many places, it rather favours Euclidean Planes.

I am soooo excited! I was up whole night doing my research plus I have spent a large part of my school life learning about this. At first I thought that it was mighty useless information. How am I ever going to need that?
I changed my mind!
Now I can finally also see all the practical application of this wonderful plant and I even started seeing it in my dreams now.
Maybe I can even get to have the religious experience which an encounter with the Hypotenuse Plant is said to hold.
How did I even get this invite to the Pythagoras Botanical Gardens? Dankie julle!
Apparently the Hypotenuse Plant is the center-piece of the garden standing directly opposite the main Statue of the Right Angel and if seen at the right time of day it even has healing powers.
I hope it will at least be nice to look at.. Hopefully Acute Angel... but I suppose I am being a bit Obtuse now.
I mean... All these years it said in the text books that it will be opposite the Right Angel.
I suppose Right is Reg! as in sexy ...while Acute is just plain Oulik...  pretty.

The Hypotenuse Plant can cure almost anything but it is especially good at curing a clogged up sinus.
Me with my sinus allergies... I just have to go there.
Here is how it works...
The Hypotenuse Plant has an offshoot called a Sine. If it has a second offshoot, then that offshoot is called a Cosine.
I can imagine how confused they are because they are always arguing about who is who and which one is the Opposite and which one is the Adjacent one.
Whichever one is which... The second one is called the Cosine because it has to work with the first one... Like you know... A co-worker?

Wait... It feels like I'm going off on a Tangent here... The point is that if both offshoots are there, all you do is wait till that perfect time of the day when the Hypotenuse Plant casts a shadow that with it's two offshoots form a Triangle.
Try to stand on the exact point of the Centroid of the Shadow Triangle. I really don't know why they don't just call it a center. OK... Maybe Cos it looks so Off-center at an Angle...
Once you're in position, for just a split second look directly into the sun and then shut your eyes.

With your eyes closed you will soon start seeing Three Angels floating between colourful pyramids.
That is the spiritual experience everyone is talking about.
I suppose it depends on what gender floats your boat but those could be either Charlie's or Charlize's Angels.
Doesn't matter... All I know is that it is definitely called the Tetrahedron effect.

Some people would probably have liked to call it the Tetrahydrocannabinol effect, but I assure you that it ain't so.
There was no THC in the textbooks about the Hypotenuse Plant.
Anyways...Here's what happens next....
All you have to do is stand there for exactly 7 minutes, arms outstretched wide and breathe in and out through your nose keeping your eyes shut.
You do not need someone to time you because after exactly 420 seconds... you know... 7 minutes... something is supposed to trigger and you will immediately feel that you will never need those Angular little Vertex sinus pills again, and don't worry... You won't catch a Tan.

There are unconfirmed rumours that the Hypotenuse Plant is closely related to this species.

Of course all of that is mighty marvelous, but I haven't gotten to the best part yet!
Like they say... Daai's Nog Niks!!!
I simply can't believe it!
With my very own two eyes I am going see something totally more awesome than everything else I've said above!

Since the first day I've heard a teacher talk about the wonderful Hypotenuse Plant I have always wanted to see this.
It is something that none of them could ever stop talking about and I have to say that it sometimes confused almost everyone in the class, except me. I always believed it was real.
The Pythagoras Botanical Gardens have a few specimens growing in Hydroponic Glass Containers that, being made of glass an' all, allows you to see everything that is usually hidden underground. How exciting is that?!

Tomorrow will be the very very first time in the entire history of mankind that members of the public will get to see this.
Other than scientists, I am going to be among the very first people ever to see the Square Root of the Hypotenuse.
Square Roots!!!
Wow! Imagine That!!!


This fictional story was written in jest, and at the time of writing, the author had not been in any contact with any magical, mythical or medicinal plants.
It is neither meant to be seen as condoning the use or seen as a condemnation of the use of Cannabis.
The author just truly hopes that Math Nerds, Potheads, Potheads who are Math Nerds, as well as Any Person Who Vaguely Remembers Geometry Class and Does Not Need to be High for their Funny Bones to be Tickled will have enjoyed this little Fantasy Trip.
Read 1161 times Last modified on Thursday, 19 December 2019 20:16

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